Fictional Euro Boys Have Amazing Insight

When I told her the topic of this blog, she asked me whether I usually think foreign words are funny; I don’t, but I find myself irresistibly amused by the words Häagen-Dazs.

I know it’s a brand name of premium ice cream, but it sounds more like European slang that a mother and father would be appalled to learn their dear little third grader picked up from those mean older children whose parents don’t love them. It’s like a twisted a mneumonic device for recalling foreign words. When I see or hear of Häagen-Dazs, I imagine a man accidentally pinching his ring finger in a slatted wooden base while assembling his IKEA bed; a businesswoman spilling black tea on the beige leather passenger seat of her German luxury car; or a frustrated over-achieving college student opening an email, weeks after completing a final exam, and seeing that his grade was only the fourth-highest in the class:

Can you believe I once thought Häagen-Dazs was a European microbrew? It should be.

Most recently, I saw a Häagen-Dazs kiosk at an upscale shopping mall food court. Maybe I’d have finally tried a sample that day had I been less-consumed with my false understanding of the words’ etymology. Surely, it Archimedes’ immediate utterance when he discovered water displacement as a way to measure the volume of a wreath-shaped gold crown:

“Well, Häagen-freakin-Dazs, it’s mixed with silver! See how it displaces! That shady goldsmith. Off with his head, and all that.” Of course, he actually said ‘Eureka!’ but that translates to “brand of premium ice cream that sounds foreign, but was actually founded in the Bronx.” 

Or the folklore about the little Dutch boy who, on his way to school, poked his finger into a leaky dyke and saved Holland from certain disaster. I imagine that, though he realized he’d be in trouble if he arrived late to school, he was overcome by feelings of patriotism when he realized that he was in the right place at the right time to save his country, and become the hero of a fake story adults repeat to children to highlight the importance of acting quickly, even with limited strength and resources, to resolve potentially-devastating problems while they are still small and curable. “Häagen-Dazs, children, saves lives.”

What does all of this tell us? Apparently, fictional little European boys have amazing insight… and I will write about anything.



3 Responses to “Fictional Euro Boys Have Amazing Insight”
  1. Gnetch says:

    Hahaha! Well, you do right about anything.


  2. Sams Peeps says:

    Excellent! Glad I finally got myself over here. Have you bookmarked. 🙂

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